Living with a Chinese man
Sometimes I’ve heard or read that Chinese men are mama’s boys. That they can’t even fry an egg. That they are lazy and completely useless regarding housework. And then I look at C. and I think: “Am I the luckiest girl on Earth or are those stereotypes just a bunch of bullshit?”.
Fact #1: Many young Chinese people don’t do anything by themselves while they still live with their parents. Their mom does everything and this is not really a very good example for a child. But anyway, that’s how it is. The first time a young man or woman faces reality is when they go to university. In China, most students would move to live on campus, even if their university is in the same city they live in. And Chinese universities don’t have single or double rooms, that is a luxury only reserved for foreign students. Chinese students live in 4 to 8 people rooms with bunk beds. And that is when they need to start caring about tidying up, washing clothes, etc.
Fact #2: Despite what their reputation says, Chinese women have a temper. And young Chinese women these days are very demanding. Not only does their prospective husband need to own an apartment and a car if they want to have any chance with them, but boyfriends/husbands are also supposed to treat their girlfriends/wives like princesses. And princesses don’t clean, don’t mop the floor, don’t wash clothes and certainly don’t do the dishes. Ok, this is also a stereotype about Chinese girls. It is said that especially Shanghai girls are pretty fussy so Shanghainese men are supposed to be very docile and gentle, because they are dominated by their women.
So, how is living with a Chinese man? I can tell you my first hand experience!
– He always does the dishes
I don’t remember when was the last time I used a scourer. C. says he likes doing the dishes. I hate doing it because I get a backache, so I happily let him do it. And, does anyone else think that a man doing the dishes is actually a quite sexy sight? :D
– He washes clothes
He knows how to use a washing machine! And also hangs, folds and irons his clothes himself! (With the incredibly useful clothes steamer I mentioned once).
– He is learning how to cook… some things
None of us has much experience cooking. I can only prepare some simple Western dishes (my latest hit being Coca-Cola chicken wings, a recipe I found here). He is not much better, he can only cook some basic Chinese food. But after we got the rice cooker a few months he has started experimenting! At least he tries!
– He loves assembling things
This is common to all men, no matter where they come from, right? They always want to go to Ikea so they have an excuse to take nails and hammer and annoy the neighbours for a whole afternoon! (Unless we are talking of the Ikea wardrobe from hell, of course! That is only for experts!).
C. examining the book shelves that he would later assemble at home.
– He walks the dog alone when I’m feeling lazy
Normally we walk the dog together when I am in Suzhou. But sometimes it’s late. And dark. And cold. And I don’t feel like going out in my furry brown bear pajamas. So I tell him and he doesn’t get mad. He goes alone.
I had been waiting for an excuse to show you my bear pajamas because it’s very warm and cute! BTW, C. has a matching one…
– He does everything I say
In the sense of: I am already in bed and I tell him to boil water and prepare the hot watter bottle because I feel cold. Or I am in the sofa and I suddenly feel like eating chocolate but our kitchen faces north and the chocolate is in the drawer there and it’s oh so cold. He would bring it for me. Sometimes I expect him to get mad and say “Go get it yourself”, but he never does!
I can totally see that someone is going to point out that I am a lazy bitch! I am not, please don’t think C. is my slave and I spend the whole day lying in the sofa. It’s just that I never lived with anyone who would do these things willingly! Is this a common trait for Chinese men? Or did I win the jackpot? Girls with Chinese boyfriends/husbands, how are they regarding housework?
Yeah, totally cute pjs for sure. :)
My Taiwanese husband also doesn’t fit the stereotype – he does the dishes and he cooks some serious delicious Taiwanese food. We take turns of course.
Yay! One more lucky girl for the list :D
technically I should have a half perfect man since Shanghainese men are told to be the best husbands, but Sing is the stereotype Cantonese in 100% – the only good thing he could have after Momzilla is gone :D
Hahaha so… how is the stereotype Cantonese? perfect husband or not so much? :D
LOL Marta, this bit
“Sometimes I expect him to get mad and say “Go get it yourself”, but he never does!”
made my day :D simply cause K. does the same exact thing!!! :D :D :D
Probably some of the youngest tend not to be “house trained”, but so most men everywhere in the world!!! especially Italians … they are thought by their mums not to do a thing, ’cause they’re boys and that their sister/s will do! … been there, done that!
I feel lucky as K. can actually cook (love his food), cleans around the house, and does the washing. The only thing he hates is dish washing, so if he can get away with it he’ll do.
But to be honest, we both share all those chores, so things aren’t bad at all! and he does things for me like getting stuff while I am on the sofa and don’t feel like raising a finger hahaha! something that, like you said, no one has never really done before (not even when I was ill :-( )
Maybe we are both lucky, who knows!
“House trained”, hahaha. True. Many Spanish guys are also taught not to raise a finger! My brother was also like that… I hope he changed or his girlfriend will kick him out, hahaha.
Sharing chores should be the norm! I think it is the norm nowadays, except for those poor Shanghainese men who have to do everything while their wives are polishing their nails hahaha.
LOL feel sorry for them now 😂…my brother is still like that, at least at home, not sure what happens when he is by himself or with his lady hahaha!
You are right, sharing chores shouls really be the norm, especially when both people in the couple work!
Glad we got lucky!
Mine is an amazing cook. He also leaves an amazing mess.
Mine is very handy at putting tables together, putting up pictures, fixing sprinkler systems, installing tile floors, and grooming dogs. Unfortunately, the minute the job is done, he cracks open a beer and leaves all the tools and trash lying around for the clean-up fairy.
Mine is also very good about fetching and carrying when I am ensconced in a chair with a cat on my lap. This almost makes me forget about the hour I spend cleaning the counters and stovetop.
Mine is very good about starting laundry. Finishing it off with a trip through the dryer and actually folding it? Questionable, at best.
Sometimes, though, he’s a little too self-contained. He’ll wander around the house, looking in closets and drawers, until I finally holler, “WHAT are you looking for?!”
Only then will he tell me what he’s looking for. And I immediately tell him where the item is. The inefficiency makes me nuts.
I love the bear pajamas.
Hahaha, yes, I have read about the amazing cook you got ;)
The clean-up fairy, hahaha. Must be the same one that magically folds and puts clothes in the wardrobe :)
¡qué dulce!
Oh, si supiera hacer dulces ya sería demasiado, jajaja :P
I heard the opposite of the stereotype you heard. Because there are a lot less girls than boys in China, I was told that girls can afford to be very demanding and men feel they have to work extra hard in order to make sure they aren’t one of the ones who will inevitably end up alone.
Yes, that is also true! I commented it a little on the fact #2. In fact I think that is very unfair for guys, if they want to get married they need to buy an apartment and a car on their own as the girls won’t even look at them otherwise. Now young Chinese people say that having a baby boy is like having a “Construction Bank” (because you will need to help your son buy an apartment) and having a baby girl is like having a “Merchants Bank”, because everything will be given to you. (Both Construction Bank and Merchants Bank are names of real Chinese banks hahaha).
and love the animal onsie btw!
Mine is Japanese, not Chinese, but there are similar stereotypes about Japanese men not doing anything around the house and I’ve seen it with my own eyes. And so did my husband and for some reason he took offense to men being lazy around the house and treating their wives as house-chore slaves, even though they also had company jobs. This awarenes happened waaaaaay before he ever met me, so he made sure he would never act like that. He cooks, cleans, helps with laundry, does and gets way too many things for me (especially now I’m pregnant) and weirdly he also enjoys doing the dishes! I’m lucky too, just like you :).
Another one for the Lucky Girls list, hehe.
I totally understand if the woman does all the housework because she doesn’t work outside, but when both people work outside, why would only one of them do the house chores? That makes no sense!
You are pregnant, that is like the uber-princess state, of course he needs to do everything for you! You are the one carrying all the weight of the baby! :P
Lucky Girl in Uber-Princess State! Ha. Love that :).
Eheheh I can relate so much to your experience! I think all these behaviors you described are the result of the strict Asian education that places so much importance on responsability, discipline, sacrifice.
Sometimes I think my bf really is the perfect man, always ready to do anything to make me happy and please me.
Oh I have to check your last post, I only saw the title but I was actually thinking about writing something similar :D Perfect man, yay!
Cada día os pareceis más Nico y tú!!!! Qué barbaridad, casi hermanas. : D
Pos tía, tienes mucha suerte. Si es que C es muy buen chaval!!!!!
Yo tenía un amigo chino reguarro. Vivía solo, y un día me preguntó. “¿Cada cuánto tiempo debería lavar las sábanas?”. Y cuando le contesté, se sonrojó y me dijo: “Compré mis sábanas hace 6 meses y aún no las he lavado, pero me ducho todos los días”.
Tía yo una vez en Granada tuve un compañero de piso japonés-americano que no lavó las sábanas en todo el año. Cada vez que traía una chica a casa estábamos por la mañana esperando a ver si la chica salía de la habitación o si se había quedado pegada…
Nico y yo ya tenemos el pelaje igual, no? jajaja
Qué mundos en este!
A mí ya me parecía raro que en Francia las lavaban sólo una vez al mes…. Yo pensaba, será que hace más frío que en España…
Absolutely a bunch of bullshit, I cook, do the dishes and sometimes do some washing. And of course we take turns, normally, if my wife cook, I’ll do the dishes. and if i cook, she’ll do the dishes.
Bravo! George, you are officially a Perfect Man! :D
I find that a lot of young adults in China don’t know basic life skills. My husband, who was 30 at the time, could not find us a flat in Beijing to save his life (at least at first). Even with the apartment we are renting now, he failed to ask the landlord basic questions. For example, what furniture was going to be provided in the so-called furnished apartment. (The answer, we found to late, was just a bed).
But maybe it’s not just a cultural thing. I know plenty of Americans like this. And I have to give my husband a lot of credit. He is good at cooking, cleaning, and childcare–perhaps better than I am in some of these things.
I don’t know if you follow Ember Swift’s blog, but she wrote a very interesting post about how her husband does very little to help with the raising of the kids and how that attitude is typical in China. There is the belief by some (such as my mother-in-law) that if your husband is helpful in any way you should be grateful. This is such BS. I think it’s ridiculous that women these days are expected to work while maintaining a household (cleaning, cooking, childcare), with little if any help from their husbands.
Anyways, it sounds like your bf is a keeper! ;)
Agreed! Super moms only exist in the movies! And it makes no sense that the man doesn’t lift a finger… after all, he also lives there, and the kids are also his!!
My boyfriend’s mum actually scolds him if she sees that I do any physical work in the house. Maybe she thinks I am one of those princesses and that I would leave if my bf doesn’t do everything for me!
I think I read that post you mention a few months ago! Very interesting.
Oh, yes, you hear mothers in the U.S. talk about how they could have a girl’s night out because their husband “babysits!” I want to scream, “What? He’s the kids’ DAD. It’s not babysitting, It’s called PARENTING!” Women are expected to shoulder most of the childcare load, whether they don’t work outside the home, work part-time, or work full-time.
I think given the choice, most men would prefer to sit around and not do anything, not just Chinese men but any men for that particular. After all, it is the traditional way: “men go out and make a living, women stay and make the home”. Problem is that mindset doesn’t work nowadays when we start to embrace ideas like “men and women are equal”. (Of course I agree with that mindset, I don’t agree with women being treated like slaves)
Also I agree that you noted (it’s not just in Shanghai, the more affluent societies in Asia are the same) a lot of the girls want to be treated like princesses nowadays. They will either look for men that can do all the work, or they don’t mind but you will end up living together in a dump because both doesn’t know how to do anything.
Unless Asian men wants to remain alone, there is no choice but to pick up the pan/cloth/broom and work away.
Hahaha, given the choice, everybody would prefer to sit and do nothing! If the house is clean, of course. If I see something dirty I feel the urge to clean it :D But because now I am not in Suzhou during the week, C. hired an ayi to clean so we don’t spend the weekend cleaning like we used to do…
In fact I feel sorry for those Asian men who have to put up with princesses! I would rather stay alone :P Or maybe date a girl that is not that beautiful, but is nicer :P
That’s one of the reason why I’m still single. :/
Your bear pajamas are really cute!!!
My Chinese husband was an excellent cook. He was also very hands-on with childcare. I did all the bills and investments, and I usually cleaned the house and did the laundry, but he did all the handyman work, carpentry, etc. For years, I took care of the flowerbeds, planting and weeding, and I mowed the lawn. Then he got seriously interested in gardening, both flowers and fruit and vegetables.
Hehe, your husband was also a Perfect Man! :)
Wow, C is amazing and trying his best to keep his beautiful woman, he knows if he slackens off there are 10 guys waiting in line..It looks like we will be waiting forever though lol. He is a keeper! :)
Hahaha, I will read your comment to him next time he feels lazy ;)
We were talking about something similar the other day. Haha. My boyfriend and I were joking about when we get married, who would do what tasks. He absolutely cannot stand washing clothes, whilst I don’t mind that. But I hate washing dishes. So we concluded that I’ll cook, he’ll wash. And I’ll wash the clothes but he’ll iron the clothes :p. My boyfriend cannot cook lol. He can make toast and that’s about it but I’m slowly but surely teaching him how to do more. He helped me bake a cake the other day :p it’s a start 😳
Baking cakes sounds dangerous, I’m glad none of us can do that, we would get extremely fat haha!
I hate ironing!!
Lovely read, and a lovely piece, Marta. You look very cute in your bear pajamas, very very nice :) And love how you say, “in the soft” as opposed to “on the sofa”…because it’s too cosy to get out of it!
Anyway, I think hit the jackpot with C. Obviously not all of us fit the stereotype, and C is probably one of those down-to-earth, nice guys. Here in Australia, many Chinese girls are quite independent, go out and earn their money and still find time to share the household chores with their partner. However, there are some who really just want to be treated like princes and have things bought for them, and done for them.
Thanks, Mabel! The best part about stereotypes is finding out that people don’t fit into them, haha.
I think the princess complex is specially serious in mainland China because there are many more guys than girls!
I don’t think gender ratio imbalance is very relevant, India also has a serious surplus male issue, but indian women certainly don’t have princess complex.
Interesting! Thanks for the info, I didn’t know that. There must be other reason in the China case then. Maybe cultural and societal reasons.
What a great read! My Tibetan husband is a lot like your Chinese one, but I don’t think that is the norm for Tibetans. From what I see Tibetan men and women do in other families, I know that I am very lucky indeed!
When we first moved to Jiangsu, K did all the cooking, childcare and most of the tidying up. With my jetlag, nasty cold, and a huge lack of energy, I couldn’t do much but get through my teaching day. He picked up the slack like a boss.
Now we share things more evenly. He doesn’t like washing the dishes anymore so I do. We share the cooking (he cooks lunch and I make dinner usually) and we make a variety of different cuisines. He takes care of our daughter during the day while I’m at work. This is very non-traditional for Tibetan dads. He does a great job and he really enjoys it. Every day I feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world :)
Yay! Another lucky girl for the list! :) Sharing chores should definitely be the norm!
..me encanta el pijama!, qué suerte tienes muchacha, C es un chollo de novio! aunque él es tambien muy afortunado. Y lo sabe.
Bueno, tú que me miras con buenos ojos :P
So many comments, I don’t have time to read them all but it’s probably best I don’t since my husband is so far from perfect and fits most of these stereotypes really. He’s incredibly lazy around the house and is either very self-centered (allowing me to suffer as long as he doesn’t) or just thinks housework is a woman’s job. At 30+ weeks pregnant I had to have serious words to him about this {he is a lovely person in other ways though!]
It sounds like you’ve got yourself a keeper!
I’m sorry to hear that! You will need to “house-train” him! ;) Tell him to read this post and maybe he will realize he needs to update his attitude! I hope he helps more when the baby arrives ;)
You are very lucky lady.
Marta, I can relate as my husband is amazing as well!! We always clean together, he is an amazing cook [of Asian cuisine as I always cook Western food], and we did all the interior design of our house together [painting, putting up moldings, picking out furniture but he assembled it, etc.]
It seems to run in the family because my brother-in-law complained to me during CNY that he does all the cleaning and his wife doesn’t help at all.
Wow, even the interior design? Awesome! I still have a lot of white walls I don’t know what to do with, we are being a little lazy about the decoration in our new apartment hahaha.
Consider this your ‘planning time.’ We didn’t get the ball rolling right away either. We waited until the weather got cooler before we ever started doing it. Plus, if China is anything like Taiwan, it is sometimes hard to find what you are looking for.
As you (and many of the commenters) have clearly shown with personal stories, Chinese men DEFINITELY break the stereotypes and make EXCELLENT boyfriends/husbands! They’re always willing to help out!!
I related with you most on your last one, when you “order” C to go boil water for you or get chocolate. I always ask my boyfriend to make me tea or for a quick back massage and he never says no or tells me to ‘do it myself.’ He just does it. And it’s awesome. Ha!
I heard that northern men are a bit more demanding of women when it comes to household chores etc… but that, too, might just be a stereotype. What do you think?
Super cute pjs btw!!!
Hmm… Northern Chinese men do have a reputation for being more masculine or “manly”, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re more patriarchal in domestic matters. If anything, southern Chinese people (specifically the Cantonese-speaking Chinese) in general tend to be more traditional, with the result being that the men tend to be more patriarchal and the mother-in-laws more demanding and intrusive.
I only had a brief relationship with a Beijinger once but I don’t think he can be counted as a normal guy… he was a rich kid with parents working in the government and spent his days playing video games. So I don’t think I can have an opinion on northerners, haha. Maybe the women there also act less as princesses? Dunno :P
HI Marta, I believe your hubby to be the majority. My chinese hubby, when we were together, would cook up a storm, and then when I went to do the dishes, he’d say no, I’ll do them. Everyone said how lucky I was. Like others here, I’d only have to say ” I feel like chocolate” or etc and he’d do it. Out shopping, he’d insist on carrying ALL the bags. If I tried to carry one or two he’d complain, he would be too embarrassed. He looked after me terribly well whenever I was sick. And yes, he is a northerner.
From everybody I have ever met, most Chinese husbands do a lot of the cooking. The “chinese men don’t help around the house” I think is a western stereotype.
Chinese men are also so hands on with their kids.
Hi Debbie, thanks for your comment! I don’t know if it is a western stereotype or just an old stereotype (I guess a few decades ago Chinese men didn’t really help at all in the house, but that happened in all the other countries too!). Most of the Chinese guys I know cook! Our neighbours invite us often to have dinner and it is always the guy cooking, not his wife.
Regarding kids I still don’t have first hand experience, haha.
Haha, of course the stereotypes aren’t true. I think it’s obvious your boyfriend loves you very much too. I don’t like cooking particularly, but I love making my lady happy. (It’s a different language of love he’s talking in.)
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This was cute Marta! My husband ONLY fits one Chinese stereotype….he is obsessed with saving money!!! Thank God he does EVERYTHING else. We actually compete sometimes in cooking and the kids decide the best food by cleaning up the plates! LOL
I am glad he is of the saving money kind! I have also seen the complete opposite in Chinese men… some are unable to save at all and spend lots of money going out with friends and inviting everybody!
That is a cultural “obligation” I will never understand. Showing others you have money by spending it until you have no more to spend…defeats every purpose in a young Chinese guys life, since he MUST have money to even think about pursuing a girl and eventually settling down…smh
There’s no in-between with them! The saving kind can be bad too.
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