We never fight
Recently I witnessed an online discussion in which some women were talking about the problems they had with their boyfriends/husbands. Almost all of them mentioned having arguments and fights with their partners. Others replied that it is perfectly normal and healthy that couples fight.
Then it dawned on me: I am not normal.
You see, C. and I have never fought.
Caught by the paparazzi a couple of months ago.
In fact, I don’t think I have ever fought with anybody (except my brother when we were kids, maybe). I am usually very quiet. I rarely raise my voice. I don’t remember yelling at anyone, at least in the last few years. And I am completely sure I have never punched anyone or broken dishes in a fit of rage (my roomate in Shanghai fought with her sister and did that. I was very scared).
It’s not that we agree on everything. But I just don’t feel the need for fighting! Calmly talking about it seems like a much better option. But I can think of a few instances in which C. and I did not agree, and they mainly have to do with our (his) apartment.
I never really considered the option of owning real estate. I like to pay for the things that I buy with money that I actually own. And recently, in Spain, we have heard a lot of cases of people buying property, getting a huge mortgage and then losing their job and being unable to pay. And, as a result, being evicted (which doesn’t cancel the debt with the bank, by the way). Let’s say that I just couldn’t see the point, apart from the fact that I don’t even know where I will be in 5 years.
But for C. this is another story. He, as a Chinese man, needed to own an apartment. Chinese people are obsessed with buying property! When he started talking about buying I was not too happy about it. But he insisted so in the end I told him it was his money and he could do whatever he wanted with it. Yep, the apartment is 100% his and I am totally fine with this! No reason for fighting here.
Then, after purchasing the apartment, we had to buy some furniture. We went to Ikea as I couldn’t think of any other furniture store where the things don’t smell like poisonous chemicals or are ridiculously barroque or overpriced. The major point of disagreement was the sofa: he wanted to get a leather one. My parents had a leather sofa when I was a teenager and I hated it with all my heart. Try sitting there when it is hot and not ripping the skin in your legs off when you stand up! I managed to convince him of this one and we got a regular fabric sofa. He later admitted it is super comfy! Ikea also witnessed some other disagreements, mainly caused by his poor taste (what can we do, he is a man!) but they were met with a lot of eye rolling on my side. He says my eyes are going to freeze like that some day.
The fabric sofa on the left and Nico approving the rug in the new apartment before it was even completely rolled out.
We have also had some other small disagreements that were quickly solved with a few words. For example, when he wanted to wear sport pants with a woollen jumper. There was not much to say on that one, though. I said I would pretend I didn’t know him if he went out like that. Then we also discussed if we should trim Nico’s fur. I was in favour, he was against. Finally we only trimmed it a little bit because it got really nasty when it rained. We also get overexcited sometimes when we talk about politics but I tend to shut up on this one as I am not really well versed on the matter. Overall, I think we don’t fight because we have learned many valuable lessons from past relationships. He learned that picking fights or responding to provocation doesn’t lead to anything good. I learned that I have to be more vocal about my feelings instead of burying them. We are doing good.
We mostly support and respect each other but I am sure we will have many more disagreements in the future, especially if we have kids. I just hope we can face them in the same calm manner as now! Because I can’t really see myself throwing things!
Do you fight with your partner? What does usually cause the confrontation? I am very curious on this one because I need to get ready for more stressful times!
I am so impressed (said the white girl who dumped laundry all over her Chinese-American husband when he refused to help out with the chores). You’re right, it is so much better to speak up for yourself, but calmly, rather than yelling. Or putting underwear on someone’s head.
Did you grow up in a calm family with good role models?
Haha! Well, for example I never had to get angry about house chores because he is always washing the dishes very fast! If I start preparing lunch and he is still in the sofa I just tell him to move his lazy ass and he usually does, unless he is busy with something important and then I can understand.
Now that you mention it, it must have to do with what I saw as a child. My parents never really fight and they would only appear anxious and almost-arguing when we were in the car and lost in some road…
On the other hand, my paternal grandparents were fighting all the time!! When they were already in their late 70s, haha. Yelling was very common and sometimes my grandpa would take his cane and threat with leaving her! He would only go for a walk though, and by nightime everything was peaceful again, until the next day xD
I had tons of fights with my wife, really nasty ones as well but it was all in the first few years. Over the years we learned more about each other and nowadays my wife often complains that we don’t fight anymore…
Ever since we are married fights basically don’t exist anymore and with Nathan there isn’t much either. Usually we have common ideas about things such as buying apartments, houses or cars so there isn’t anything to fight about either :)
Thanks for your input Timo! Based on what I’ve heard, it is quite unusual that you fought at the beginning but not now, especially having a kid! It seems normally it is the other way around. Good for you! You found your balance I guess!
I do hope so that we found some kind of balance :)
Of course we have from time to time very small arguments but usually it’s about very stupid stuff. The past years have been really “fight free” :)
Good for you! Are you sure you are a real girl? Wish I could say I was not normal in this way…
I also don’t get the Chinese obsession with owning property. While I have heard of the sociological reasons for this, just be careful of Western-financial crisis style real estate bubbles. I think its just better to rent and be more free to move around the world.
Those are some amazingly nice disagreement stories. No way, you must have had more drama than that right?? Again: wish it could be like that for me.
And lastly, Nico is the coolest name for a dog ever!!
Hahaha I do look like a girl, at least xD Maybe not too girly, but whatever!
Those are honestly the only disagreement stories I could remember. I never learned how to be dramatic, haha. Or at least I haven’t faced a situation yet in which I felt the only way out was raising my voice.
Aww que lindos, me encantó el post!
Yo tampoco casi no tengo problemas con mi novio, algo que contrasta mucho con mi anterior relación… ahí pasábamos peleando… que malos recuerdos. Pero bueno, ahí se nota como con ciertas personas uno es más compatible que con otras <3
Mis discusiones con Hao Yang son más o menos similares a las tuyas, temas muy pequeños hahaha.
Saludos <3 me encanta esa foto de ustedes!
Sí, debe ser tema de compatibilidades! Creo recordar que con algún novio que tuve hace muuucho tiempo sí me enfadaba más, jaja. Aunque pelear, no.
I really envy you! Ming and I fight a lot and it is almost always about the children. I’m trying really hard to work on staying calm.
You are absolutely right about leather sofas (and sweaters paired with sports pants).
Yep, my fighting time might come with children! I hope we manage to keep it reasonable :/ I might be at a disadvantage as I don’t know how to fight and he does, haha.
I’m glad we agree about sofas and clothes pairing. It is common sense, right?? Men!
Es muy normal discutir, tú eres la rara Marta.
Lo sé, jajaja. ¡Pero qué le hago!
I can relate with what you said! We also don’t fight. Instead, sometimes there are some disagreements, but we both automatically give up soon. On most topics I know he does not really care much, and I don’t care much neither, it’s just that we have different opinions, and given that most decisions are not life-threatening, we just don’t go on. Since I know that he may give up on an issue, I don’t see the point on continuing pressuring him, so I give up. Or the opposite, he may give up first.
So anyway we just don’t push each other, we don’t try to convince each other that that’s the sole truth. I think most discussions end up as fights because people want to prove they are right and the other is wrong, when in fact 1)in most cases there is not a single truth or 2)you don’t really want to harm your boyfriend by proving him wrong, using endless&complicate reasonings (or rage shows like your roommate), just because he has different conceptions or ideas.
I know my vision can seem simplistic. But bare in mind that we don’t have children, we are not married, we don’t own an apartment…so basically we don’t have much discrepancy sources in our relationship :).
Btw, reading about your hysterical roommate, I just thought that I have encountered more hysterical chinese women than hysterical chinese men. Same in Spain. So I thought it was a rule of thumb. But these weeks I’m working in Germany and I feel like it’s completely different. Truth is I have met more men than women here, but women (and men) here look so calm and rational that just by looking at them I feel at ease (and kind of guilty to feel that much exaltation in comparison). Not sure if I’m just mistaken, or if it’s a German/northEuropean thing. Or it’s just that before I spent some hectic weeks in China and now the contrast is too huge XD
Haha, Germans are supposed to be very calm and almost having no feelings, right? :P
Fun fact: the word hysteria comes from the Greek word for womb (think about the word hysterectomy). So, at least from the ancient doctors point of view, it was definitely a female syndrome! (I love etymology, haha).
My husband and I rarely fight. We are both very opinionated, but we talk it out and find some compromise or neutral ground. He is very calm and level-headed and it seems to have rubbed off on me.
A couple of years ago, his sister even asked him ‘Do you guys ever fight?’ When my husband answered ‘no,’ she said that her and her husband argue at least once a day. Apparently, it is unusual for a couple to joke around and laugh so much as we do.
BTW, I am famous for my eye-rolling.
Hahaha! We should make an eye rolling club or something. I really want to learn to control it because I feel sometimes I do it too much and I don’t even notice xD
Fights? no and never with my wife, arguments ? yes.
Good for you! I can’t really imagine fighting with a loved one. (Well, except my brother, haha).
Maybe when you move in and live with him everyday instead of just over the weekend, then you will have more reasons to fight. Not that I hope you will fight though..
And your temper will most definitely be tested to the limits when you have kids. I’ve witnessed the transformation of both my colleagues and friends!
The thing is, we lived together for two years before I partially moved to Shanghai! So we are covered on that front. Kids, on the other hand… probably yes xD
That is amazing you are always so calm and don’t let negative emotions get the better of you. Wow. Even little things at work, when someone put something out of place is enough to fluster me… Generally, I don’t like to say much like you but inside I will be feeling annoyed if I don’t like what’s happening :D There is this saying that a couple should never go to bed angry at each other…I don’t know if this is a good or bad thing :D
Yes, I also read about the going to bed thing!
At work I get angry a lot, but the blood never reaches the river, as we say in Spanish, haha.
Like you, I’ve never punched anyone or thrown a dish. I think you have the right idea. Don’t pick fights, work things out calmly, but don’t hesitate to express your views.
Last week my daughter told me about visiting a friend for the weekend. The friend and her husband shout at each other and at their three young kids a lot, even in front of guests. Following the parents’ example, the children fight and have temper tantrums. My daughter is worried for her friend and the friend’s family.
I hope I can keep my cool after we have kids! Thanks for your tips Nicki :)
I dated a man for 6 years and we hardly ever fought. We were the best of friends, but in the end it didn’t work out. Now, I’m 2+ years into a relationship where we do fight. I think it just depends on the people involved. I don’t like fighting, don’t get me wrong, but different relationships bring out different dynamics. It’s a very interesting topic, actually. I wonder if fighting or not fighting leads to better or worst relationships…surely someone has done a study on this!
Yes, it surely depends on the people! It seems my bf fought a lot in his previous relationship… at the beginning he even warned me that he had a bad temper! Now that it is still a joke for us… “Where is your bad temper? How come I didn’t see it yet?”.
Yup. Some folks bring it out of you and some folks – don’t. :P
“I wonder if fighting or not fighting leads to better or worst relationships…surely someone has done a study on this!”
that would be a very interesting study, and money well spent I reckon!
I saw some article online that claimed that fighting means a better relationship… but sorry, I won’t start fighting, I’ll just remain as I am xD
that article was about better make up sex after fighting…..now go find something to argue about!
We have had maybe 10 big arguments and six of them happened in the 6 months when we were organising our wedding.
Oh, so that can also be a source of problems!
I think we will be fine though. I don’t even care about having a wedding or not… so I will be happy with whatever ends up happening! Besides, I already know that Chinese weddings are boring so I don’t have high expectations or anything.
Yeah. Spend the money and elope instead. We did it just to placate the relatives because we went to so many weddings. As a matter of fact, we went to the registry the year before to be officially wedded.
Oh, that is very common in China too, the couple goes to the marriage office to get the documents and then they arrange the banquet several months, or even a year later.
Haha Marta, didn’t you see that I said K and I have never fought? I felt like I was the only one in that conversation who said so, but I can’t remember clearly now. I’m glad you two also never fight. It makes me feel more normal! Because as you said, it seems most people do fight with their partner! Hopefully we can both continue to keep our cool with whatever life has for us down the road!
Haha maybe I missed it? Too many messages on the group xD But I remember that I didn’t say anything because all I read was “yeah we fight a lot, it is normal”.
Wow, I think you have achieved relationship nirvana. I guess your relationship isn’t normal in a way that it is what everybody is aiming to achieve, On the bell curve we would all be on or near the mean(average) score, you and C are 3 standard deviations away to the right where we all want to be. Just like mean IQ is 100, but 3 SD away is 145. Not normal but a better place to be than normal. Does that make sense?
Well I am pretty happy with our relationship but… nirvana? Nah, haha. There is always room for improvement :P
To fight or not to fight?
I had been in a relationship where there were no fights and no arguments, honest, but it didn’t work out.
Over the years, my hot temper has fizzled out. My V6 engine was powdered by fossil fuel. Let’s face it, it is not sustainable, is it? Since then, I have downsized and my engine is now powered by solar energy. Not much sun in my part of the world! When I have a bit of spare cash, I like to treat myself to a bit of diesel fuel and do a quick spin on the track in my Trabant.
Haha! Yes, sometimes temper fizzles with time, but for other people it might get worse! My grandpa was very hot tempered until the day he died!
It’s great that you can work it out without fighting! Some people can only work things out by arguing, and if that works for them that’s great. I don’t think that throwing things or punching walls will get any real results, but I know people who have done these things. I avoid fights because they make me uncomfortable, but I won’t back down when I feel strongly about something. It seems like your relationship is very mature!
Well, I am old enough to be mature xDD haha! :P
Too amusing! Well… my ex and I would have some humdinger of fights. To the point that I think I just got exhausted with things being so.. well… difficult.
With my partner now we’ve had three and a half blissful years! Neither of us want or need extra stress in our lives and it is such a joy to go through without tantrums and yelling. Do we agree on anything? Like you, obviously not! However how we handle our differences is – gosh! – mature, respectful and consider of each other. What a joy!
So keep on doing what you are doing and enjoy it. :-)
Totally agree! Life is pretty stressful as it is, I don’t need to have drama and tantrums at home xD
Nope!
That’s amazing that you two don’t fight. I too hate arguments and would rather just talk about things. Of course in a marriage we learn that not everyone thinks the same way as us, and we have to compromise! But it’s sweet that you two seem to handle conflict in a similar way.
Thank you! Yes, for the moment we are managing well. Let’s see how it goes after wedding and kids ;)
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Ha! A wise man once told me: don’t fight; just win. Also: pick your battles… carefully. Good luck, you two!