No gifts for husbands
Last month I had lunch with two of my friends. One is Chinese and the other Taiwanese. They are both married; one has kids and the other doesn’t. There were only a few days left until Christmas and I was worried that my husband wouldn’t like his presents; I had a hard time thinking what to buy for him and wasn’t very convinced of my final decision. So first I asked my friends if they celebrated Christmas and when they replied they did, I wanted to know what kind of gifts they usually gave their husbands.
Both replied they never gave her husbands any presents, although they expected to receive presents themselves. They were even laughing at the ludicrous idea of buying gifts for their husbands – one even joked she would gift him her credit card bills!
One of them is married to my husband’s colleague and she knows that every year I send a cake to their office on my husband’s birthday so all the officemates celebrate together. She mentioned this and said I am very thoughtful. I was left wondering if I am indeed weird. I am not materialistic and I don’t expect nor want to receive expensive presents, but I like when my husband gives me flowers or chocolates for St Valentine’s or for my birthday. And obviously I reciprocate because I think it’s just strange to always be on the receiving end but not giving anything. Plus, I often think buying presents for other people is even more fun than receiving them! Not with my husband though… I never know what to get him because he has everything!
I don’t know if most Chinese women are like this or if it’s just my friends. But, well, the husband of the one that has children told me once that he had never held his kids when they were under 6 months old because he was “scared”, so I guess he doesn’t deserve presents anyway!
Image by Yvette Fang from Pixabay
I’m surprised that those two friends don’t give gifts to their husbands. Gifts are a token of love or affection or at least some kind of care for the other person. That relationship doesn’t go just one way. Of course, men are harder to buy for, but we should always try to think of something, even if it’s small. Right now I’m trying to think of a gift for my grandson. He likes to live as simply as possible, so it’s hard to think of something.
Right! You said it better. The relationship goes both ways!
I usually like to gift books or clothes, but lately I was thinking if my husband would get angry if I gifted him something like a “I planted 10 trees for you” certificate. That’s a gift I wouldn’t mind myself, but not sure about others, haha.
Somehow I don’t think those relationships are very equal. Two cases of “women is the receiver, men are the giver” that is common in the far East.
For some reason, it’s considered okay for men here to not be involved with child rearing. Crazy! At the same time, as we’ve talked about, Thailand (Asia in general?) goes bonkers over kids. So 6 months w/out holding your own child – no surprise!
I suppose regarding your friends it’s about who is the breadwinner in the family, as in they don’t have their own income so why buy a present for the person who pays for everything?
But as we know, gifts can be handmade. I think it depends on the couple. But an interesting question that you must get to the bottom of! Survey China, Marta!
I would have divorced if my husband didn’t hold his child in 6 months, haha!!
Oh you’re right, I should have mentioned that they both have jobs!! So it’s not a case of buying him a gift with his own money!
Ohhhhh, that does make it more interesting, now doesn’t it? Hmmmm. Investigate!
Really? No gifts? Here I think gifts are supposed to go both ways, although gifts are not nearly as important to my Chinese-American husband as they are to me. I could probably not give him a gift and he wouldn’t care.
Now, I said, “supposed to.” I know a lot of crappy husbands who give their wives a gift the husband himself wants. Or forget and act all “hahaha, you know I am hopeless/ Busy/ etc.” And I’ve seen wives cope with this by simply buying themselves gifts.
Are these women perhaps used to getting lots of gifts because their husbands are “lucky” to have them, because of the male surplus in China? I knew one very entitled Jewish-American woman; her mother raised her to believe that men should pay for every date because they were “paying for the pleasure of her company.”
In China there are also similar situations as that Jewish American woman. Yes, because there are more men than women, women can be picky and men need to swoon them. A woman paying anything on a date would be a serious loss of face for the man (and I think most women wouldn’t even think of paying anything themselves). When I started dating my husband, or with another Chinese guy I dated before, they wanted to pay for all meals when we were out and even for things I bought for myself. After a few months of dating, I went to Ikea with C., at that time we were not living together yet. I bought some things for my apartment and he insisted on paying hahahaha. I gave him the money back and he said it was like winning the lottery. I’ve also heard stories of foreign men going on a date with Chinese women and being brought to a store in which the woman buys some clothes and expects the man to pay. The man in the story I heard was so angry that just left the store and the woman there hahahaha.
Wow. Just…wow. On the other hand, women are completely screwed over in the workforce due to pregnancy, sexism, harassment, etc. So it’s hard to blame them for getting all that they can when they can.
Yep… that’s what I thought too.
That’s so weird! Even for the Taiwanese woman? In Hong Kong, gifting goes both ways!
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
Yes! Maybe it’s because they’ve already been married for many years hahaha.
My colleagues in Hong Kong also mentioned that after being married for many years, they don’t exchange gifts with their husbands anymore but they would always buy gifts for their children.
My friend who has kids said that she prepared gifts for her children, yes.
You’re not weird! P and I the last few years haven’t got each other Christmas presents. We get everyone else one, but if we want it, we buy it now!
We only started doing Christmas gifts last year, hahaha, to create some traditions for our son. Before I didn’t give a hoot about it. And, to be honest, trying to find a present for my husband feels like a chore… last month when I was clueless about what to give him, I thought maybe we should stop buying presents altogether xD
I know it’s hard. Socks always work! Warm socks for the winter as I’m sure men don’t think about buying socks often. That’s probably because others buy them for them! I got my nephews socks this year Star Wars theme, crazy prints and they loved them!
Interesting Marta. Incredulous that a father hasn’t held his child for six months.
I cannot believe it either. Or why my friend didn’t divorce him hahaha.