My Chinese mother in law – Part II
A long time ago (5 years!) I wrote a post about how nice my mother in law was. At that time, I still had people who would sometimes tell me that she was okay because we were not married / did not have children, and that she might completely change after those events. I was scared that she would want to organise my wedding and invite 300 of her friends; I was afraid she would start nagging me about having children one minute after getting married; I was fearing she would go crazy when I got pregnant and try to force me to eat weird things or follow strange customs; I was terrified she would pester me to do the Chinese postpartum; I was dreading she would try to raise my baby as if it was hers… because that was what other people told me happened to them.
My mother in law with C. at the end of the 80s.
Guess what… None of that happened.
My mother in law didn’t even try to do anything regarding our wedding arrangements. (Maybe I should be offended? Haha!). I don’t remember if she invited any friends, but if she did, it was just a few. She invited more for the baby’s 100 days party and I was completely fine with that. My Chinese wedding was organised by my husband (and a wedding planner) and I loved it.
With my parents in law in our Spanish wedding.
My mother in law didn’t nag me about having babies, even though I was already over 30 years old and at that age many Chinese believe it’s already impossible to conceive because your womb is old and almost mummified. I think only once she mentioned that “we should start thinking about the big decisions of life”. She didn’t even want to say it directly, bless her.
My mother in law didn’t go crazy when she knew about my pregnancy. In fact, she was very matter-of-fact about it and didn’t do a happy dance or anything. We didn’t even have to tell her directly, as my (dumb) husband started saying all the time “You cannot eat this” in front of her and she obviously noticed what was going on. I was planning on telling my parents and my in laws a week after she found out.
My mother in law didn’t pester me to follow the Chinese postpartum; in fact, she told me that when she gave birth she was not allowed to turn on the fan and she spent an awful summer, so she didn’t even blink when I turned on the air conditioning or regularly washed my hair.
And now that I have a baby, my mother in law is not trying to boss me around or make decisions regarding the baby that should only be made by me. On the contrary, she is being amazing and has helped me a lot since the beginning. Chinese custom dictates that your mother in law moves in with you when you have a baby and I was not sure I wanted that, because that’s not how it’s done in western countries, but I agreed to have a try. And I am so glad she’s here because I don’t have to worry about cooking, cleaning or washing clothes. I mean, I can do those things myself if I want to, but it’s great to have an extra pair of hands. She also respects my decisions and is currently learning how to deal with baby led weaning, which is definitely not something a 60 year old Chinese woman is used to. And, more importantly, my baby absolutely loves his grandma (I think he likes her more than he likes me!).
I feel really lucky. Without her, my mum life would definitely be way harder. Turns out, there are good mothers in law too.
How’s your relationship with your mother in law?
I got teary-eyed reading this. You wrote such a LOVELY message about your mother/n/law. It’s important to have a close relationship and we are lucky when we have that. I have been divorced for quite a while. My ex/husband and I were meant to be friends, we still send each other cards and small gifts for birthday and holidays. The same with his mother, she is turning 94 and I just bought her a gift and some chocolates for her birthday. It’s important to honor people who have been very loving in our lives! So, a big Italian hug goes to YOUR special mother/n/law today! :>
I think it’s fantastic that you have such a good relationship with your ex! I think it speaks volumes of a person when they are able to part amicably. And happy birthday to your ex mum in law! :D Here’s hoping we also make it to 94!!
Good goal! :>
I am really happy for you! How great to have non interfering and nonjudgmental help with a newborn.
My Chinese-American MIL is, of course, the opposite of yours and must therefore stay 3,000 miles away as much as possible.I can’t wait on her and a baby at the same time.
It’s definitely good that Sunny is in Hawaii and you are not haha. I don’t know how I would react if I had an unbearable mother in law living in my same city. I’d probably get a divorce xD
There are so many horror stories about mothers-in-law, especially Asian ones, but there are also so many amazing ones! It sounds like you got a great one. I also got lucky in that regard. Both my parents and my in-laws (I have two sets), were fairly hands-off when it came to wedding planning and family planning. They were there to help if we needed it but they never interfered. Now that we have a son, the love that all the grandparents have for him is apparent. They are always happy to see him and take care of him, and we are extremely lucky.
We’ve been very lucky!
My parents are unfortunately far away so they haven’t had much time to help, but I hope I can spend the summer in Spain so they can be with their grandson.
You lucky ducky! I hear so many stories about Asian mothers-in-law… my mother herself being an example (she truly has a TERRIBLE relationship with my Grandma).
Charmaine Ng | Architecture & Lifestyle Blog
http://charmainenyw.com
Oh, no! Even after so many years!
This is a great post and it’s nice to hear that you have good relations! My mother-in-law is quite understanding and helps me out a lot as well and our relations are really good but I’m always thinking that might be because we can’t fully communicate due to language barrier so she can’t really tell me what to do directly 😂 we still don’t have kids but hopefully that wouldn’t change the balance we already have.
Mmm, you can ask your husband if she is complaining about you to him… But I guess it’s better not to know xD
She sounds like the most chilled mother in law! No bossing and nagging and just there to chill herself and enjoy herself 😆
Super chill indeed, hehe. And very respectful of my way of doing things.
My wife had so many battles with her mom and the rest of the family when it came to zuo yuezi as she didn’t do anything they wanted 😅
Luckily she was far away and they couldn’t do much apart from complaining on the phone haha!
Problem with MIL was that she was around the time Nathan and Nathalie was born for three months :D
Why did you do that? xD I told my mum not to come until the baby was one month old!
We just had to. Problem was always with our work and that my parents were gone during that time for their 3month holiday in Finland :(
What a lovely post to talk about your MiL in such a positive and loving way. I hope you read this to her Marta.
Thank you, Sue!
What a blessing! And a reminder that there are good MIL out there. It’s nice to write something positive as it’s more common to write about what we’re upset over – I totally understand though! Hahahaha. She does seem like a rare bird. I know my mom (at least to hear my sister in law tell it) can be difficult and has learned to hold her tongue.
xxoo
I agree, I also always feel like sharing when I’m mad at something but it’s good to stop and think about the good things, hehe. Makes me feel luckier when I weigh everything in.
I love the photos of your mother-in-law. She looks like such a good, likeable person. I hope you’ve told her how much you like and appreciate her. I’m sure you have. My mother-in-law was always in another country, so I never had any trouble with her. My mother was nearby when my kids were little, so she helped me out.
I just noticed that, in the first picture, my MIL was younger than what I am now!!
It’s good you had your mum to help, and with 3 kids!! I can barely manage with one, hahaha.
It’s very nice to read this post. You’re very fortunate to have such a great mother-in-law. She sounds very reasonable, helpful and respectful.
Sometimes I even feel bad because she helps too much!
Ha, that sounds like a very good problem to have.
Hi Marta. Out of curiosity, are you on Twitter and do you have a Facebook page for your blog?
Hi Geneva, no, I don’t have a Facebook page for the blog… I do have a Twitter account that I haven’t used in years xD I’m not very good at promoting my blog!
You are very lucky to have a great mother-in-law who respects your decisions about your life, child.
(And she is as old as I. Yikes, I feel old :) )
Haha, I don’t think 60 is old at all!
Lucky you! She seems like a very nice, open minded women. That, or C’s previous taste in women casts you in a good light :p I can’t imagine having one of those “other” Chinese MIL. Stuff of nightmares. Did your MIL move in post-baby? I couldn’t handle that no matter how nice she may be! We rent my in-laws an apartment in the building next to ours. Those 300 meters make all the difference in the world.
My MIL is also a very nice lady who leaves me alone. It helps that I’m basically an alien to her with my strange foreign ways, like walking around my house in socks or hugging my wife. And she only speaks her local language, which is close to Mandarin but still leads to a communication barrier. Just wait until your little one starts talking. My daughter speaks in 3 languages and just picks the easiest word out of the three languages, Laolao gets confused when L1 speaks English to her and I have to translate.
I don’t think I would’ve married someone with a crazy mother… craziness is hereditary, hahaha.
My PIL stay at our apartment from Monday to Friday and on the weekend they go back to their home. I thought I would be bothered by this but turns out I’m not, so this arrangement works for us, haha. We also thought about renting another apartment in this compound if it didn’t work out.
For the moment my son only says “mamamamama” (which could be Spanish, Mandarin or Suzhou dialect, hahaha) and yells randomly. I have no idea in which language he will speak first but I strongly suspect it’s going to be Suzhou dialect… so I will learn too xD
What a sweet post! I’m sure that the reason she is so amicable is also because she has such a wonderful daughter-in-law. :) Relationships are two-way streets, and sometimes people forget that.
My mother-in-law lives 9,000 miles away and we only visit once a year. That in and of itself can cause problems because it puts so much pressure on the visit. Our baby is one year and two months old now, and we’ll go back to visit in about a week – last time we were there he was only three months old, and it was a different experience. One of the aunts kissed him on his mouth (!!) and while I didn’t freak out completely, my demeanor did change enough that I do feel bad about it looking back. (I know TWO friends who’s babies have contracted bacterial meningitis so I’m kinda crazy about no kissing on the mouth. Who does that to a baby anyway????!)
In-laws can be stressful in general, but going into the relationship with love and understanding is a great start. :)
Haha, thank you! I do think I’m nice, but she doesn’t give me any reason to be rude or mad at her to start with, haha.
I have that situation but with my own parents. They were here for 2 weeks when the baby was one month old and I’m planning to spend two months in Spain when he’s about 1. I don’t think there’s going to be pressure, although somehow I think my own mum is not going to be as respectful of my decisions as my mother in law is. My MIL never questions anything that I do because she thinks “that’s how foreigners do it”.
I also don’t understand why someone would kiss a baby on the mouth. In China and in Spain it’s definitely considered weird. I also don’t get when people kiss their pets. I love my baby and I loved my dog but I don’t want to eat their drool if I can avoid it, hahaha.