Leftover women
Last week, a video published by the Japanese cosmetic brand SK-II went viral on the Chinese internet and subsequently appeared in the news in other countries. The video is about the so-called “leftover women” (剩女), which are women aged 27 or older who have not married yet. This is the video (in Chinese with English subtitles).
I have always hated the term “leftover woman”, and with me, all young women with a brain inside their heads in China, I guess. It is just so disrespectful and degrading. But the thing is that this term has been widely used in recent years, almost elevated to the category of “national problem”. As you surely know, because of the one child policy and the traditional preference for having sons instead of daughters, China currently has a huge gender imbalance. There are many more men than women. And it is a problem when women choose not to get married. Because single women by choice means even more single men. And single men (not by choice, but because they cannot find a wife) means social unrest. Maybe even rebellions! So who are those women to think they are free to choose if they want to marry or not? They’re not! They have to fulfil their duties to their parents and to society!
Leftover women is used to refer to single women older than 27. I remember one day in Beijing, I was in the street with a friend waiting for the bus. Two middle aged men started chatting with us. Where are you from? How old are you? 25? Are you married? No? Why not? Yes, in China it is relatively normal that someone who doesn’t know you at all expresses concern because you are 25 and you are not married. But if you reach the dreaded age (30) and you are still single, then it’s the end of the world. People think you have some problem that prevents men from wanting to marry you. (And many Chinese people are convinced that it is almost impossible to have babies after age 30. And a woman without a baby is just not right).
Why do women (but also men) receive a lot of pressure to get married and have offspring in China? There are many reasons. Family is a very important pillar of Confucianism. Your failures and successes in life are determined by what your ancestors did and what your descendants will do. Not giving grandsons to your parents is a big disrespect, because the family saga cannot continue. There are also economic reasons. Pensions are very low in China unless you retire from a post in the government or in a very good company. Many people don’t have any kind of pension at all. So many elders depend totally on their sons and daughters for sustenance. And there’s also spiritual reasons: if you don’t have children, who is going to make offerings in your tomb and your ancestors tombs when you leave this world?
Let’s comment on the video a bit. One of the first sentences, with the background of the little girls’ pictures is: 把自己嫁出去. You have to get married. In Chinese, the verb used for “to get married” is different depending if you are talking about a man or about a woman. The verb for women uses the complement 出, which means “go out”. For a woman, marrying means leaving her family and joining her husband’s family. Traditionally, sons lived with their parents and the son’s wife was in many cases little else than a servant in her mother-in-law’s house. The Chinese ideal of happiness was to have four generations living under the same roof. Therefore, if you basically lost your daughter when she got married, daughters were of little value. You had to invest money on them while they grew up but they would not take care of you when you grew old.
One of the women in the video says a sentence that is too scary:
Not only that she is incomplete, but, as I said before, that she must have something wrong!
Another woman has to listen to her mother telling the camera in front of her: “My daughter is a leftover because she is not too pretty”. Well, thanks, mum! Another girl says she is sorry and starts crying and asking her parents for forgiveness. There are many couples in China who got married to stop their parents from pressuring them. I’ve had colleagues confess to me that they didn’t really want to have a kid at 23, but they didn’t have much of a choice. But the parents just wouldn’t leave them in peace.
The divorce rate has also been steadily rising since 2003. In Beijing, almost 40% of all marriages end up in divorce. I think it’s not surprising. During high school and college, kids are told not to date because they should focus on their studies. After they graduate, the parents are suddenly in a great hurry to see them married. There’s this humorous video explaining some differences between Western couples and Chinese couples: the Chinese man proposes to the Chinese woman 6 months after they first met and the woman says: “Finally! I thought you were never going to ask!”. Most couples get married without having ever lived together. And when problems arise, they don’t know how to cope with them. There is a new term that has also become popular lately in China: 闪婚闪离 flash wedding, flash divorce. A few months ago I read that some cities in China had changed the divorce regulations. It used to be very simple and fast, and only required both parties expressing their agreement. Now the divorce office only accepts something like 25 couples a day, so if you are late you have to wait (and maybe decide to give your marriage another chance).
The end of the video is very beautiful… and completely fake. Just by seeing a picture of their daughters in the marriage market, the parents suddenly accept their daughters way of life? It’s kind of hard to believe, they must have been nagging her for over 10 years and they are not going to change their mind in 5 minutes. Even if the daughter wrote an essay explaining her reasons. The parents just have this idea ingrained in their minds, that their daughter has to get married. And, of course, she should have a baby, because what’s the meaning of life but having a grandson to spoil!
There’s also been backlash at this video in China. I read a very critical article in WeChat that basically said the video was too fake, we have no idea if these women are independent and strong or not, because the only thing they make in the video is cry. The article also said that the real independent, strong and single women of China would never accept appearing in a video like this.
Let’s also see the other side of the story. The women in the video mention several times that if they found the right men, they would get married. And who’s the right man? These women live in Shanghai, are educated and probably have good salaries. I’d think that they would not accept a man who earned less than them. Do you remember my post about the price of getting married in China? Things are also not easy for men. Perhaps they are not pressured at such a young age, but they are expected to have a considerable amount of money if they want to get married, especially in cities where property prices are soaring. Many women would not even consider marrying a man that does not own an apartment. But, anyway, if a woman wants to marry a man with money, who are we to criticise her? Every person marries for a reason, be it love, financial stability, or others.
Ufff, I think I already wrote a lot. I want to read your comments. What do you think about the marriage pressure Chinese young people have to endure? Are there similar attitudes in your country?
Great explanation of the video. What I didn’t like about the video was the importance it put on finding the right man at a later stage in life. There are women in China who want to stay single for their whole life. That would have been interesting to include. The great thing about this video being shared is that it creates discussion, which I think is important, no matter if the women in the video are really that independent or not. And I don’t think women crying means they are not strong. You can be a strong woman and cry. To me, crying doesn’t imply weakness.
Oh, yes, I wanted to include something more in the lines of “and what if I just don’t want to get married” and forgot. Thanks for reminding me! I think that would have been very groundbreaking if they had included it in the video, because I think in China people just can’t believe a woman would voluntarily choose to remain single forever.
This is such a great topic to bring up and that video does reflect cultural expectations about marriage today in Chinese culture. In a way, some parents want their kid to be marriage not only to carry on the “family saga” as you said but also because being a couple is so much more practical (joint income, security). Then again, treating marriage this way puts the spot light on it as a commodity. You get married because you don’t have a choice and your life has to revolve solely around that.
I agree with you on the ending being fake. It comes across as an ending that we all want…but I think there is still some way to go before that becomes a reality for a lot of families.
You’re right, marriage is often seen as a commodity. Like a contract the woman has to sign to acquire financial stability and the man to continue his family branch. Once in my previous job, one of the girls (aged 25) was telling that her parents were organizing blind dates for her. Do you know what my colleagues (all Chinese and female) told her? “Choose the richest guy”. When I told her she should choose the one she likes the most because they are compatible, have things to talk about, etc, the other women said I was unrealistic!
If you can’t find things to talk about in a respectable manner towards each other, then I find it hard to see how two people can be compatible. It’s okay if they have differences (i.e. one rich, one not so) but if they can carry a conversation and have a good time, that is the foundation of a good relationship.
Great post! This topic runs so deep and I see the struggle and conflicting emotions play out almost every day. I work with several “leftover women” and the social pressure on them is amazing/horrible. Everyone is trying to set them up on dates, it’s an open topic of discussion that constantly gets brought up – with the usual ‘you’ll find someone soon and have babies’ conclusion to the conversation. It’s one of those cultural differences that are hard to accept and I’m just thankful I didn’t have to see my sister go through it.
I, of course, have foreign male friends here in China and it’s always funny to see their reaction after dating a Chinese girl for the first time. “Dude, she asked when are we going to get married! What the H! I’ve only know her for month and a half!”. Speaking of WMAF relationships, I think in the next ten years, “eligible” girls who date foreign boys are going to be publicly shamed and a few foreigners might get beat up if they go into the wrong areas with their Chinese girlfriends. Millions of young men from the countryside face a life of no economic hope, no marriage prospects and no chance to carry on the family name. It’s going to get tense in about 10 years when the one child policy demographics hit their full stride,.
RE your 10 year prediction, I’ve actually already heard things like that. Not beating, but calling the girl a traitor, a bitch, etc. Has it ever happened to you or other people you know? It’s so scary and dumb…
Not to me personally or any of my friends but, then again, the lady and I are old enough that no one cares. I’m not exactly poaching from the under 25 crowd :p But we all know who will take the brunt of that cultural anger and nasty taunts, Chinese women. Generally speaking, I don’t really like Chinese men until they have been married for a few years and the pressures of life have beaten the spoiled, self-entitled glaze off of their personality. After that, I like them a lot. Most young Chinese men are assholes to women – much more so then Western men (and we can be pretty bad.) Obviously, C seems to fall into the minority of unmarried Chinese men who are cool guys.
My wife is a “third sex” Chinese person – Man, woman and woman with a PhD. Just another strange anti-woman attitude – because, heaven forbid, your lady can out perform you in the classroom. Just think of the face I’m losing every day! I never understood this attitude because it just means my family has more money and stability if anything bad were to happen to either of us. You’d think a family obsessed culture would see the value in that.
Of course they can’t see the value in that, if she spends her 20s studying when will she have babies?? :D
I don’t know many single Chinese men, to be honest. Guys my age have all been married for 5 or more years. But let’s be fair, women are equally spoiled and self-entitled. I know not all women are like that, but when I see things like talking in a childish voice, throwing tantrums in the street or expecting the man to pay for everything, I wonder how a western man could put up with that xD
Btw, C. has been married before :P We met right after his divorce.
Great explanation of the video — I missed some of the cultural layers when I first watched it.
Yeah, the ending is fake to me — my in-laws would never shut up when a potential grandson is on the line. :)
Ah, Confucianism and neo-confucianism. Like som many other philosophies conceived of by men, a woman’s value rests on her uterus.
Yes, I don’t think parents ever give up pushing for a grandson haha. Would you in-laws be ok if you gave birth and let them take care of the child all the time, like they do in China? (I mean, if they lived close and you actually wanted to do that). Or Chinese parents abroad don’t do that any more?
I don’t think they do that anymore! But even if they did, no, I would not be okay with handing a baby over to Andy’s parents — or my parents, for that matter.
Yeah, I know probably not even one western woman would be ok with that, but in China it is still common. One of the sentences they use to try to convince you to have babies is “have the baby and then give it to me, I will take care of it and you can continue working!”.
Why even have a kid, then? They might as well hire a surrogate!
I don’t think that can be done in China xD
Nothing to do with China or Confucianism, go anywhere that isn’t a western nation and you will see the same attitude I.e. women are child producers, everything else is secondary.
Oh, women seen as baby producers happens everywhere, even in western countries. But it also happens in China, and Confucianism is all about “knowing your place in the natural order” (i.e. women have to marry and give birth), so we can totally talk about it, right?
Honestly, there are just so may social and cultural issues that it’s tough to say who is wrong and who is right.
The pressure to marry is so intense that it sucks whether you are male or female. One of my male Chinese friends returned to China from 4 years in the US, and his dad met him at the airport with a list of eligible single girls he needed to go date! That’s ridiculous to me, but I know he isn’t the only one (male or female) with that problem.
Being called a leftover woman sucks (I totally fall into that category now), but when that’s the culture you are brought up in, you just internalize it and even if your parents don’t pressure you a ton, the rest of society still does too.
Huh. I don’t have any problem saying who is wrong and who is right. ;)
Parents! Leave them kids alone.
I just hope this pressure relaxes over the next few years, and that the young people being pressured now will remember how they felt and won’t push their kids to get married in 25 years time…
My wifes little sister/ cousin is also a “leftover woman”. She does not say anything about it to my wife what pressure the family is putting on her but well, we do know that crazy Family so it must be insane. I think she is also very happy that she lives in Japan for six years now and thus escapes the worst of it.
The whole concept is so terrible…my MIL was shocked when she realized/ heard that my mom was over 40 when I was born. According to her women over 30 are not able to give birth so her whole beliefsystem was shattered
Yes!! It’s like after 30 your womb would suddenly stop working haha. Both my grandmas pooped kids until they were around 42… I know biologically it is better to have kids (at least the first one) at a young age, but that doesn’t mean you absolutely cannot have them later.
I know there is much more risk in higher age e.g. my mother had to go through many tests to check that everything is fine. Those tests younger dont need to take except they really want those (who would want a needle sticked through their stomach though…
What a messed up situation, people should be free to be individuals but in countries like China culture and family is so powerful. The enormous generation gap creates so much conflict.
Interestingly, this was posted on Salon today which shows challenges (however less extreme) in the West as well: http://www.salon.com/2016/04/13/stop_pressuring_women_to_be_moms_its_insulting_to_assume_we_all_want_the_same_thing/
Oh yes, western women are also pressured. I’ve also read about childless women wanting to be sterilized and doctors refusing to do it…
I live in Poland and I have few friends who are between 27/35 are not married and have no children and when we get into that discussion they often say “oh no. I am too old now, I won’t have kids. My time is past. But if I am lucky, maybe I’ll find a husband”
And also some that are desesperate when they realise that you don’t find a husband like you go fishing. That you can be in a relationship but it won’t end up as maria he because it’s not meant to be. Or, that a marriage is not only about the wedding dress but all the work you have to do to be together.
I’ve a lot of similarities with Poland in this article. But I think It comes from different reasons. There is social and familial pressure, the fact that people won’t live together before marriage and also that people have a strong ideal of what’s love is. As they do not engage in dating this ideal just grows stronger.
But, I think the main point is that: finding someone you want to be with for the rest of your life, isn’t easy. :)
Oh yes, it’s not easy. But we should also understand that if someone decides to remain single, for whatever reasons, it is totally fine :)
I think in China many people also have a “fairy tale” idea of marriage, and not living together before tying the knot is not helping…
I didn’t realise there was so much pressure until my second time being in China, and actually going to one of the marriage markets myself. They all told me I was a little too young, but according to them, I only have two years to find myself a partner and get settled – although not sure if the same rules apply for foreigners. I wonder how the traditional Chinese parents feel about foreigners wedding traditions.
Oh yes, wait until you are 25 and people start asking why you are not married yet haha.
I think older Chinese people in general think foreigners are plain weird, so they can expect anything from us, like getting married at 35 xD They also use the excuse “your bodies are stronger because you eat a lot of beef” when I told them most women in Spain have their first baby after 30.
Yes, eating beef and drinking milk! Thats also why we don’t need the month in bed after having a baby.
I guess I’m kind of glad that I’m an overseas Chinese rather than China Chinese. We do get similar pressure, but the magnitude is probably 5 or 10 times less.
Probably give it another 20 years or so, when the current generation city people becomes the old people, then the pressure will be less as more people can accept an older marriage age or not at all.
So is your mum nagging you to get married? :P
Of course she is! But I threatened her with less visiting home to avoid her nagging and it worked. She gave up I think. :P
So different from the Aussie way of life, some women place career over marriage and children and from what I can see Aussie parents, whilst of course would love grandchildren, they accept their daughters way of life..not so in China I know. It’s such a lot of pressure for Chinese girls isn’t it!!!
Yes! Many of them cave in, get married and have babies very young…
Interesting post Marta, I also thought the ending of the video wasn’t very realistic. My Chinese fiance and I really want to visit a marriage market just to see what they are like (a friend of mine in China said they have become a popular attraction with tourists now). I’m afraid if we go with his parents they will start spruiking him even if I am standing right there haha
Really? I have always seen some tourists in the marriage markets, but not like whole tour groups or something haha. Be careful, maybe some parents looking for a foreign daughter in law will eye you too! :P
haha I think it would be an experience!
It would be quite nice if all Chinese could be converted like the ones at the end of the video.
But it is not only a problem in China, I can see it a lot here too, happening to women from Eastern Europe. Last week I was told by a woman from former Jugoslavia that I am ALREADY 28 and my time is almost over. I should work hard so I can still get a few children.
I was furious and decided to tell people I can’t get children when I happen to be in the same situation again.
I do think that question is totally off limits. What if you want to have children but for whatever reason you cannot? There is no need to be constantly nagging people. Unfortunately in China (and other countries) it seems our uterus is an issue of public concern!
Or what if I just don’t want to have children? The world is overpopulated anyway…
Everything in one’s life seems to be of their concern :/
Oh, it seems for some people it is totally inconceivable that a woman would voluntarily choose not to have children! Like, the only purpose of a woman’s life is popping out babies!
So Chinese nationals think that way still about unmarried “older” women? How suffocating.
Unfortunately many people still think this way. And even more unfortunately, this happens regularly all around the world… too many people believe a woman’s “mission” in life is to get married and have kids!
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Great post Marta! reblogged on http://www.nadja.co